How to Say No

Many of us find saying no difficult.  Often we’re fine in some contexts (we’re able to say no to our children or partner, but struggle to do it with our boss or mum).

There are usually two aspects to the problem:

- We experience inner conflict around saying no to (some) people.

- We don’t know how to say no in a way that is clear but doesn’t cause offence.

Here are 8 tips to help you get the message across.

1.         Listen to your feelings
How many times have you agreed to do something then felt unhappy about it afterwards?  Sometimes our feelings are a really good guide as to what we need to do.  If you feel uncomfortable about saying yes, take that feeling seriously.  Be aware of your ‘request reflex’: are you someone who typically says yes, then regrets it later?

2.         Look at your beliefs about saying no

The number one problem for most people who have chronic difficulty saying no is that they don’t give themselves permission to do so.  Some of us feel guilty if we refuse a friend or colleague’s request for help - we think that to do so makes us a bad person.  If you feel guilty when you say no, try this exercise:

Take a piece of paper and complete the following sentences:

If I say ‘no’ it means that I’m a [………………..] person

If I say ‘no’ the other person will think that I’m […………..]

What do you notice about what you’ve written down?  What might be more positive messages to give yourself about saying no? 

Sometimes our problem is that we care too much about what other people think of us.  It’s normal and healthy to have some regard for others’ views, but those of us who have difficulty saying no often place too much emphasis on being liked by others -  and in doing so we give the other person an inappropriate degree of power.

3.         Talk to someone else

If you’re wrestling with whether you can refuse a particular request, try talking to a friend (ideally one who is good at saying no) and asking for their views on the situation.  Sometimes an outsider sees things much more clearly and objectively.  Sometimes we just need another person to give us permission.

One of my clients visited her GP as she was feeling run-down.  Her GP spent 10 minutes listening to her and gave the following advice: "You need to start saying No".  According to my client, it was the ‘prescription’ from an authority figure (her GP) that gave her permission to start saying no more often.

Once you’ve made up your mind that you want to say no, here’s how to do it:

4.         Offer something else (if you’re happy to do so)
Try saying:

‘I can’t do that now, but I could fit it in next week’.

‘I can’t do 'x', but I’m happy to look at 'y' for you if that would be helpful’.

5.         Empathise

Fake or token empathy is provocative.  It’s the kind of thing you get from demotivated customer-services staff who are using a technique on you - "I’m sorry to hear that, sir…." (said in a slightly sing-song tone).

Genuine empathy often requires us to use our imagination to see the situation from the other person’s perspective.  You might say something like:

‘I can see that you do really need some support with this project, but unfortunately I can’t help you with it’.

6.         Play the Broken Record

As the name suggests, the Broken Record technique involves repeating your message simply and clearly.  Two tips on using the Broken Record:

• It works particularly well when dealing with articulate, quick-thinking or manipulative people who always seem to have a good reason why you should do something for them.  Using this technique relieves you of the pressure to come up with reasons or counter-arguments - you simply stick to your guns.
• Combine it with genuine empathy.

Here's an example:

Mike: Jane, could you possibly finish this off for me, I need to leave early today?

Jane: Sorry, Mike, I’d like to be able to help, but I want to leave the office at 5 o’clock.

Mike: Oh, it wouldn’t take you a moment Jane, I’m sure you could squeeze it in before you leave.

Jane: Mike, I wish I could be more helpful on this one, and I appreciate that you need to get away early but I want to leave at 5 so I’m not going to be able to help you today.

Mike: But you’re such a fast worker - you’re the one person I can normally rely on around here.

Jane: That’s very kind of you to say so, and normally I’d be very happy to help you out, but I definitely want to leave at 5 today so I’m not going to be able to help you with this one.

7.         You can ask for time to think

Sometimes, particularly when people catch us off guard, we say yes then later wish we hadn’t.  It’s fine to say, in response to a request, ‘Can I have a think about that and get back to you?’

8.         You can change your mind

Don’t view your initial ‘yes’ (which you now regret) as a binding contract.  It’s OK to go back to someone after you’ve reflected and say something like:

‘Yesterday I said I’d be happy to give you extra help with the project.  I’ve had a think about it, and I’ve realised that I was too hasty in agreeing to help. I’m afraid that I’m not going to be able to help you after all - I’d be overloaded - and I’m sorry I initially gave you a misleading impression’.

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‘Squeaky Clean But Outmanoeuvred’?

Most of us would wince if we heard ourselves described as ‘Machiavellian’, but sometimes we secretly envy colleagues who seem to have well-developed political antennae.  This blog post looks at: 

• What we mean by ‘organisational politics’
• Whether you can be political without compromising your integrity
• A smart approach to politics.

What do we mean by ‘organisational politics’?

One definition is:

“The ways in which personal and departmental interests are played out”

At its worst, this means sucking up to top management in order to climb the greasy pole of career advancement.  However it can also mean looking for ways to gain support for a service development idea that you are committed to.

Can I be political without compromising my integrity?

In their paper 'Owl, Fox, Mule or Sheep: Political Skills for Managers', Simon Baddeley and Kim James identify four distinct approaches to organisational politics.

If you feel distaste for the kind of manoeuvring for personal advancement that sometimes goes on in organisations, you may have been watching Foxes.  Foxes are crafty and prefer to go about their business unobserved.  They can be seen as game players.  If you don’t want to be a Fox, there are three alternatives:

You could be a Sheep and adopt a blindly trusting approach to achieving your objectives.  Sheep believe that life is fair, that top management reward effort, and that organisations function like efficient machines.  They tend to let others dictate the agenda. 

Alternatively, you may become a Mule.  This means sticking rigidly to your goals and going about them in the most straightforward way.  Mules are single-minded - when they encounter resistance, they just keep pushing.

Finally, you might choose to adopt the approach of an Owl.  Owls are wise - they understand that organisations are complex, and contain many competing interests - often driven by emotions and personal agendas.  Owls keep a sense of perspective - they want to do what is right for the organisation, and right for themselves.

How Do Owls Operate?

Owls keep a sense of perspective.  This means:

• Thinking ahead.  Owls habitually look 6-12 months ahead, which gives them time to build an influencing strategy.

• Building networks.  Foxes work alone, and this is one of their weaknesses.  Owls cultivate their networks so they have the benefit of others’ insights and perspectives.  Their extensive networks enable Owls to indirectly access people who aren’t in their immediate circle.

• Forming coalitions.  Mules stamp their feet, and dig their heels in.  Owls recognise that sometimes an indirect approach is needed - they work with others to find a way round obstacles.

• Keeping the bigger picture in mind. Owls don't get bogged down in lengthy arguments about relatively trivial matters.  They are happy to concede small points gracefully in order to achieve an important goal - something that Mules refuse to do.
  
  Reference: Owl, Fox, Donkey or Sheep: political skills for managers, Baddeley S and James K, Management Education and Development, Vol.18, part 1, 1987

Making The Best of Rejection

BBC Radio 4 programme Woman’s Hour recently broadcast an interesting piece on graduate job-hunting which exhorted unsuccessful candidates to seek feedback from the employer.

Getting useful feedback can make the difference between success and failure at your next interview.   Unfortunately, too many organisations offer feedback such as:

“You did very well and were appointable, but unfortunately there was a better candidate.”

“You didn’t have any weak areas, but your scores weren’t as good as those of other candidates.”

If you are the unsuccessful candidate, this kind of feedback might help you feel a little better about the rejection, but it doesn’t enable you to identify what you have to do to be successful in your next interview.

I’ve managed assessment centres and interview processes for more than 15 years, and during that time I’ve trained thousands of assessors.  Here are my top tips for candidates on how to elicit useful feedback:

1. Contact the organisation as soon as possible.  You’re more likely to get some helpful insights if the assessors remember who you are.  Ideally, you want to talk to one of the people who actually interviewed you, rather than an HR person who is reading someone else’s notes.

2. Be tenacious.  Giving feedback to unsuccessful candidates is probably not top of the assessor’s ‘to-do’ list for that day, so you may have to gently but persistently chase them.  If you’ve left a message but they haven’t contacted you within a couple of days, try again.

3. Be nice.  Assessors are much more likely to open up a bit if you are pleasant and grateful.  Use phrases such as “thank you very much for taking the time to call me - I’d really value any comments you have which might enable me to be successful in my next interview”.  Express appreciation during the conversation - it will make the assessor more inclined to give specific feedback.

4. Don’t argue.  You might feel that the interviewers made the wrong decision and you may disagree with their assessment of your capabilities.  But they are not going to change their minds.  You are far less likely to get helpful specific feedback if the assessor gets the impression that you want to challenge their decision.

5. Do probe (gently).  Although you don’t want the interviewer to feel that you are cross-examining them, it is important that you get specific feedback so that you can change your behaviour at the next interview.  So, if the assessor says things like:

“We just felt you weren’t committed to a career in this sector.”

or

“We didn’t see enough evidence of your team working skills.”

Ask them questions such as:

“Could you say a little more about what it was that gave you that impression during the interview?”

and

“What aspects of my team working experience should I have emphasised?”

6. Send a 'Thank You' email.  This is common courtesy and I know of one candidate who was offered a job 6 months later by the organisation because they remembered how professional she had been in the way she had handled the post-interview feedback (she had sent a pleasant email saying that she was disappointed by the verdict but would love to be considered for future positions).

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