Are You Seeing Eye-To-Eye With The Interview Panel?

Interview Body Language: Are You Sitting Too Respectfully?

The Truth About Interview Body Language

What's Behind The Mask?

The Subtle Art of Persuasion

Maximise Your Impact In Meetings

About 50% of the participants on my courses say that they want to be better at making an impact in meetings.

Here are 5 practical tips that will make a real difference next time you are trying to get your point across.

1. Sit Opposite The Chair

There are two places you don't want to be: (i) slightly out on a limb at one end of the table, (ii) on the same side of the table as the Chair.  Both these positions make it difficult to make an impact.  You want to sit where the Chair can easily notice you if you are trying to say something.

2. Speak Sooner

Meetings often have a habitual dynamic - at the beginning of the meeting the most extraverted or opinionated people start talking.......and carry on.  I have seen many occasions where the quieter members of a group have tried to make their presence felt, their attempts have gone unnoticed and they have given up.  If you tend to be a quieter contributor you need to establish your presence in the meeting.  You can do this by saying something innocuous early on, such as:

'I really like that idea.'

'Could you say a bit more about that?'

'Thank you, that's a very helpful suggestion.'

Each of those statements give the other person a little 'Ego Stroke' - which has the effect of making them want to look at you more, and include you in the conversation.  To maintain the contact, smile and nod at what they are saying.  Then, when you want to make a point, the other people in the meeting will be more aware of you.

3. Use Labelling

Often a quieter participant at a meeting will say something that others don't pick up on.  This can be very discouraging, but how can we make sure that our points are acknowledged?  The way to do this is to use labelling.  Here are some examples:

Your Comment/Question	Labelled Version
'I'm not sure who is taking this action forward'	'Can I ask a question?.....(Pause) 'I'm not clear who is taking this action forward'
'I think we need to take the clinical perspective into account'	'I'd like to make a point, if I may...'(Pause) 'I think we need to take the clinical perspective into account'

Labelling creates a little 'elbow room' for you in the conversation and ensures that your point is actually heard.

4. Cut Out The HRI

HRI = 'High Rising Intonation'.  It's when your voice goes up at the end of the sentence.  This gives the impression that your statement is actually a question, and can convey an air of uncertainty or a lack of conviction in what you are saying.

5. If You Know, Say So

I've noticed that some people in meetings won't express an opinion unless they are 100% confident in what they are saying. Other people seem to believe that if they are 51% sure then they can pontificate as if they were world's leading expert.  If you fall into the first group, stop withholding your expertise from the world.  If you're not 100% sure, you can say 'I'm not entirely sure about this, but I'm wondering if....'  It's important that you use a confident tone of voice while saying this, as any hesitancy will incline others to dismiss your view.

New Year, New Habits

I wish I had more willpower.

Fortunately, if we want to make significant changes in our lives, we don't need to rely on willpower.  The trick lies in understanding how our habits work.

Our Lives are 90% Habit

Most of what we do each day is unconscious and habitual.  Without our habits we would be faced with an unbearable level of cognitive load and an unmanageable degree of decision-making.  But occasionally a bad habit can become established.

How To Change A Habit

Suppose I want to change my habit of saying 'Oooh, yes please' in response to the question 'Would you like a muffin or a pastry with your coffee today?'

If I'm trying to eat less sugar, this is precisely the kind of habit that I need to change, and to do this I need to analyse the components of the habit, namely: the Trigger, the Routine and the Reward.

The Trigger

The trigger is what sets the habit off.  In this case, it's easy to identify: being asked whether I would like something tasty and sugary with my coffee.

The Routine

The routine is what we do when our habit is triggered - it's the thing we want to change. Here, the routine is that I immediately scan the counter searching for the freshest, plumpest muffin.

The Reward

With entrenched habits, the reward is often something that satisfies a craving.  In this example the obvious craving is for sugar.  However, sometimes the craving can be less apparent.  Here, the craving might be a desire to be comforted or cheered up (because I've had a difficult day).

Now that I've analysed this particular habit, I need to make a plan.  My plan needs to ensure that I still get the reward that I'm after, but in a more healthy way. 

The Plan
In this case, I've identified that my craving was twofold - for something sugary, and for a treat that makes me feel happy.  Here's my plan:

I'm going to make sure that I keep some fruit at work (satisfies the sugar cravings)....... 

....and  whenever I walk through the door of a coffee shop I will immediately look for something positive to focus on, that puts a smile on my face (provides a feelgood moment) and say 'not today, thanks!' when I'm asked if I would like something sweet with my coffee. 

Tip

It's really important to analyse the habit carefully to identify the precise trigger and the actual craving.  Examples of triggers include:

• a particular time of day
• being with a certain person
• a specific location
• an event

Examples of cravings include:

• sugar or wheat or caffeine
• wanting to feel in control
• needing to be cheered up
• desire for stimulation or distraction

REFERENCES

Charles Duhigg, The Power of Habit,  Random House, 2013

3 (Evidenced-Based) Ways to Stay Positive

I am easily inspired.  Whenever I come across a story of someone triumphing in the face of adversity I invariably resolve to live my own life in a more heroic manner.

The problem is, inspiration can be short-lived.  Within a few days my resolve starts to ebb, particularly when I'm confronted by the low-level challenges that we all face on a regular basis.

Here are three tips on how to remain positive in the face of setbacks.  Each of them is supported by carefully-conducted research studies.

1. Give Yourself The Right Type of Praise

Research conducted in the USA into people's mindsets has established that we will be more likely to stay positive, and bounce back from setbacks if we adopt a Growth Mindset rather than a Fixed Mindset.

Growth Mindset	Fixed Mindset
I’ll find a way	I’m great at this
I can learn to do this better	I know I will succeed
I can try different approaches	I am an achiever

              

The problem with the Fixed Mindset is that it makes us brittle - we become attached to a view of ourselves or a particular outcome and if that view is shown to be inaccurate our belief in ourselves takes a significant knock.  A memorable example of this is so-called 'Bright Girl Syndrome' whereby a girl achieves excellent grades at school, receives lots of praise for this and becomes overly identified with her intelligence.  When she subsequently goes to university and fails an exam, or finds that she is no longer top of the class, she experiences this as an identity-threatening shock rather than a relatively minor setback.

Giving ourselves encouraging 'Growth Mindset' praise makes us more likely to persevere with a difficult challenge.

2. Write Stuff Down

There is now a lot of evidence indicating that writing things down can reinforce our positive intentions and help us be more resilient during stressful times.  In particular, it's worth setting aside 5 minutes each day to set down in writing:

5 things you are grateful for.  Two psychologists, Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough, demonstrated that people are signficantly happier and more optimistic about the future if they take a few moments to write down 5 things that they are grateful for in their lives.

3 benefits of setbacks.  A study at the University of Miami found that, following a setback, students were able to feel more positive and move forward from the disappointment if they identified and wrote down 3 benefits of the setback.

Why you love your friend.  Researchers at Arizona University demonstrated that 'affectionate writing' - spending a few minutes writing a paragraph setting out what you appreciate about one of your friends or loved-ones can help you to achieve a marked reduction in stress levels.

3. Adopt a Virtual Kitten

I used to be an avid consumer of news.  I'd wake up to the Today Programme on Radio 4, and check the BBC news website every few hours.

Then I realised that I was subjecting myself to a regular diet of doom (the news was rarely good) and that this was getting me down.  Doing some research into the effects of internet browsing I came across a study which demonstrated that spending some time looking at an image or video which makes us smile can be a significant mood-booster.

REFERENCES

Gabriele Oettingen, Thomas A. Wadden, Expectation, Fantasy, And Weight Loss: Is The Impact Of Positive Thinking Always Positive? Cognitive Therapy and Research, April 1991, Volume 15, Issue 2, pp 167-175

Deborah L. Wells^. The Effect Of Videotapes Of Animals On Cardiovascular Responses To Stress. Stress and Health, Volume 21, Issue 3, pages 209–213, August 2005

Emmons RA, McCullough ME. Counting Blessings Versus Burdens: An Experimental Investigation Of Gratitude And Subjective Well-Being In Daily Life. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2003 Feb;84(2):377-89

Kory Floyd, Alan C. Mikkelson, Colin Hesse, Perry M. Pauley. Affectionate Writing Reduces Total Cholesterol: Two Randomized, Controlled Trials. Journal: Human Communication Research, vol. 33, no. 2, pp. 119-142, 2007

Dweck, C. S. The Perils and Promises of Praise. Educational Leadership, 65(2), 34–39. 2007

How To Get More Done

A lot of time management advice treats people as if they were machines, ignoring the reality that human beings have temperaments, moods and biorhythms. 

Here are three tips on how to squeeze more productivity out of your busy day.

1. Stop Pretending to Multi-Task

We can't truly multi-task when two activities require conscious attention.  What we actually do is constantly switch attention, and part of our brain (Brodmann Area 10) creates the illusion that we are doing two things at once.  The result is that we pay poor quality attention to both tasks and, over the long term, we find it difficult to focus properly.

Brodmann Area 10

Constantly refocusing attention like this is hugely inefficient.

But many of us enjoy multi-tasking and find it hard to stop.  Like many of life's temptations the trick to overcoming it is to remove the temptation itself.  This means using Switch Busters.  A Switch Buster is something that stops you switching your attention.  Here are some examples:

• turn off your computer monitor when you are making a phone call.
• switch off your mobile phone and put it in your bag during meetings.
• change your email settings so that automatic retrieval is disabled (or pull out your network cable if you can't stop yourself manually checking - some of us are addicted to the dopamine hit stimulated by the arrival of a new message).

2. Make Fewer Decisions

Making decisions, even small ones such as how to respond to an email, can be mentally tiring.  View your mental energy as a precious resource that needs to be preserved and used judiciously during the day.  One way of reducing the time you spend taking decisions is to only check your email at particular times during the day.

3. Manage Your Elephant

Think of yourself as a rider on an elephant.  Your rider is full of good intentions and wants to maximise his or her productivity.  Your elephant, however....

• is alert at some times of day (typically the morning) and sluggish at others (mid-afternoon)
• likes sugary snacks and coffee
• is inclined to spend time cyberloafing (browsing the internet) if it didn't get enough sleep last night

The elephant is powerful and won't be pushed around by the rider.  The trick is to work with your elephant rather than fighting it.  In practice this means:

Using your Prime Time (the part of the day when you have most mental energy) to maximum advantage.  If you are at your best first thing in the morning, hit the ground running as soon as you arrive: tackle a mentally demanding task rather than chatting to colleagues, putting the kettle on and looking at your emails.

Making sugar and caffeine work for you.  They are stimulants, which can give you a short-lived boost when you need it.  Get into the habit of using them in a way that helps you to be productive (eg, when you hit your mid-afternoon slump).

Going to bed earlier.  Getting an early night has improved my productivity more than any other strategy. Flogging a tired elephant is no fun.

Managing Difficult Relationships Part 2: How to Handle Different Monkeys (and what they think of you)

Rapport is easier if you can identify the kind of person that you're dealing with.

In my last blog post I described the different kinds of primates that we encounter in the workplace, and how to spot them.  This post will show you how to tailor your approach to each type of monkey.

If you're dealing with a Chimp you'll know because they will want to focus on the task in hand, they'll use debate as a way of getting to the truth (which can come across as argumentative) and they will be conscious of power relationships.

If you're dealing with a Bonobo you'll know because they are responsive and smiley when you talk to them, they'll appear relaxed and friendly, and their primary focus will seem to be on the relationship - forming a connection with you.

If you tend to be a Chimp and you're dealing with a Chimp, then it's normally pretty straightforward - you 'get' each other.  Similarly, Bonobos recognise one another and can rely on their preferred way of working.

But if you're a Chimp and you have to work with a Bonobo (or vice versa) then you need to adapt your approach.

How a Chimp Views a Bonobo

The Chimp misinterprets the Bonobo's friendliness as weakness.

How a Bonobo Views a Chimp

The Bonobo misinterprets the Chimp's strongly task-focused approach as an attempt to dominate and bully.

Whether you're a Bonobo or a Chimp, if you are facing a difficult conversation and  you want to avoid being misread here are three tips to help you handle the situation:

Tip 1  Pay Careful Attention to Etiquette.
Small things matter.  If you are a Chimp, be very polite and solicitous (Bonobos place great emphasis on courtesy).  If you are a Bonobo, show respect for the other person and their environment but without demeaning yourself (Chimps get very agitated if their physical, organisational or psychological territory is threatened).

Tip 2  Use 'Safe Phrases'
The following phrases press the right buttons whether you are dealing with a Chimp or a Bonobo (they convey the message 'we are in the same troop'):

'We can handle this'

'We'll sort this'
'We'll get through this'

Tip 3  Get a Grip on Your Inner Primate
Recognise that we tend to act instinctively most of the time, and that this includes becoming defensive when we feel threatened (eg in a difficult conversation).  If you have the chance, make up your mind before the encounter in terms of:

• How you want to behave
• What you are going to say
• How you will respond if the other party behaves in a certain way.

Managing Difficult Relationships Part 1: What Kind of Monkey Are You Dealing With......?

We're all primates.

Many of our day-to-day behaviours have been hard-wired into us over thousands of years of evolution.  Our ancestors survived by being excellent threat-detectors (it was important to decide quickly whether an animal or situation was safe) and by being good at sucking up to the leader of the pack, to put it bluntly. According to the evolutionary psychologists, being friendly with the alpha male or female enhanced your survival prospects .

So, we've evolved to be vigilant and status-conscious.  Apparently when we meet someone, the first thing we unconsciously assess is their level of status - do I need to be wary of this person?  Do I need to keep on the right side of them?

And other primates are sniffing you, picking up cues as to how powerful you are, how much respect they need to give you.

If you want to master this game, it helps to know what kind of monkey you are dealing with.  Let's consider the Chimpanzee and the Bonobo.

In the wild, chimpanzees are very territorial, competitive and (particularly when threatened), ferociously aggressive.  There is a strict hierarchy with a male chimp at the top.

In your organisation, you know you're dealing with a chimp when:

• you feel like they're trying to dominate (often using their tone of voice and body language), and they are inclined to displays of power and status;
• the conversations often have an argumentative tone - there's a Win/Lose feel to the interaction;
• their focus is on the task in hand, with little or no attention paid to pleasantries.

Bonobos are very different.  They are far more relaxed about their territory. Rather than seeking to dominate, they engage in 'affable social networking'.  Bonobos are much less

hierarchical than chimps, and tend to form matriarchal groups.

You know you're dealing with a bonobo because:

• their body language is responsive and affirming - lots of smiling and nodding;
• the conversation is friendly and relaxed;
• you get the impression that their primary focus is 'mutual stroking', with the task being secondary.

Next time: how to handle each type of monkey (and what they think of you).

A Kinder Approach to The Blame Game

Nobody really enjoys the blame game.  For most of us, being blamed feels painful.  And if we blame others (often in self-defence) we rarely feel good afterwards.

However, there is a way of playing the blame game in a more positive way.  It works best with a friend, but you can play on your own too.  This particular approach to the blame game was devised by two Australian psychologists - Dr Toni Noble and Dr Helen McGrath.

Here's how it to do it:

Step 1. Reflect on a situation that didn't go well (and which involved another person). Draw a circle and divide it up in a way that reflects the responsibility for what went wrong.  Some of the responsibility might be yours, some of it might be the other person's and some of it might just be the situation (ie, bad luck).  You will end up with a pie chart with the size of the different segments reflecting the different degrees of responsibility for the outcome.

The example below illustrates a situation where you criticised another person, and they reacted badly to your comments.

Your assessment of the situation

Step 2.  Ask a friend to help you review the situation.  Describe what happened (but don't show them the pie chart that you have already drawn). When you have described the situation, your friend draws a pie chart which reflects their view of where responsibility lies.

Step 3. Compare the two pie charts.  There are three possible outcomes at this point:

A. Your pie charts are similar.  This suggests that you were accurate in your assessment of where responsibility lies.

B. Your friend has allocated more responsibility to you. This suggests that you might be letting yourself off the hook and need to take more responsibility for the situation (an apology might be in order).

C. Your friend has allocated less responsibility to you.  This is the most common outcome of the exercise, and reflects that fact that most of us tend to be too hard on ourselves.

Your friend's assessment of the situation

To play the game on your own, draw your pie chart soon after the event.  Then draw a second pie chart a day or so later when you are able to be more objective.

Praise.......

The right praise at the right time can have a powerful impact, but there are a few do's and don'ts that we need to be aware of.

1. Dog or Cat?
Some people are primarily externally directed - they judge the value of their work by the feedback that they receive, whether it's an approving comment, evaluation data or a letter from a satisfied service user.  Praise can really give these people a lift.

However, some of us are internally directed.  We make up our own minds about how well we're doing - 'I'm the one doing the job, so I'm best-placed to evaluate my performance'.  These people are less interested in praise, and if you give them too much they may feel irritated.

How do you know which type you are dealing with?  Externals tend to be more facially responsive - they smile, nod and watch your expression closely.  Internals tend to be less expressive: you get the impression that they are less interested in what you are saying.

2. Don't Patronise Me!
The very act of giving praise implies that you are somehow in a position of judgement. There is a danger that the unspoken message is 'I have assessed your performance and I approve of it'.  This is sometimes valid and appropriate, but if you want to praise someone without implying a power differential here are some phrases to use:

'One of the things that I admire about you is....'

'I really respect you for the way that you.....'

3. Flesh it Out
We're often taught to phrase constructive criticism in terms of specifically what the other person did (or didn't do), the impact of their behaviour, and to explore alternative approaches.  The same process works well when praising someone:

'Yesterday then that man was becoming really agitated in reception you went over to him, sat down with him and listened while he vented his frustration.....' (Specific)

'.....it meant that he calmed down quickly and I noticed that several staff who had been looking quite anxious were reassured by what you did.' (Impact)

'I really admire your knack of defusing potentially tricky situations like that.  Is is something you've learnt to do over time? Have you always been good at it?' (Explore).

A Better IPR

For some of us, the annual appraisal runs the risk of being a hurried rush through the organisation’s IPR paperwork rather than a real conversation.  One UK survey by Investors In People found that 29% of staff view their appraisal as a waste of time.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.  Here are 5 tips on how to make the most out of the annual review meeting.

1. Have a real agenda

The best appraisal conversations are ones where you talk about the topics or issues that you really want to discuss.  So, tell each other a week or so in advance what those issues are (so you both have time to consider them - having some time to think in advance of the meeting is especially important for introverts).

2. Get your venue right

Anywhere but the manager’s office (too many distractions and potentially a feeling of end-of-term summons to the headteacher’s office).  Set the chairs at right-angles (at a table if you prefer) - this reduces the likelihood of your conversation turning into an argument.

3. “How are we going to collect feedback?”

It’s a good idea to agree between you who the manager could approach for feedback on how the appraisee is perceived.  This can be particularly helpful when the manager hasn’t seen a great deal of the appraisee’s work (because the manager is new in post or based in a different location), but also because it will provide a more balanced view of the individual’s performance.

4. It’s about the person, not the paperwork

It’s so easy to spend too much time in your meeting poring over the appraisal forms.  The best IPR meetings are those where each person actually looks at the other one and remembers that there is a fellow human being in the room with hopes, anxieties and ambitions.  If you get the rapport right the rest will follow.

5. Praise without patronising

It can be difficult to praise someone without sounding at least slightly patronising.  Instead of saying "well done!" (which implies that you are somehow sitting in judgement), you might say "I admire the way that you tackled that project".

Confidence Tricks: The Power Pose

Every now and then I come across a nifty little trick or shortcut that can help us to feel and appear more confident when the pressure is on........

The Power Pose
This means standing or sitting in an expansive manner, for example by standing tall, with feet apart and with your hands on your hips - Wonder Woman's 'power pose'. One research study found that candidates who adopted the power pose before undertaking an interview were more likely to be offered the job than those who hadn’t.

Importantly, the successful candidates only used the power pose before entering the interview room – the interviewers didn’t see them in this posture. This indicates that the pose changed the candidate’s internal state - it made them feel more confident, and this is what made them more impressive in the interview.  

So the next time you need a quick confidence boost, why not take yourself off to somewhere you can't be observed and spend a few moments in the power pose.

Reference:
Cuddy, Amy J.C., Caroline A. Wilmuth, and Dana R. Carney. The Benefit of Power Posing Before a High-Stakes Social Evaluation. Harvard Business School Working Paper, No. 13-027, September 2012.

How to Say No

Many of us find saying no difficult.  Often we’re fine in some contexts (we’re able to say no to our children or partner, but struggle to do it with our boss or mum).

There are usually two aspects to the problem:

- We experience inner conflict around saying no to (some) people.

- We don’t know how to say no in a way that is clear but doesn’t cause offence.

Here are 8 tips to help you get the message across.

1.         Listen to your feelings
How many times have you agreed to do something then felt unhappy about it afterwards?  Sometimes our feelings are a really good guide as to what we need to do.  If you feel uncomfortable about saying yes, take that feeling seriously.  Be aware of your ‘request reflex’: are you someone who typically says yes, then regrets it later?

2.         Look at your beliefs about saying no

The number one problem for most people who have chronic difficulty saying no is that they don’t give themselves permission to do so.  Some of us feel guilty if we refuse a friend or colleague’s request for help - we think that to do so makes us a bad person.  If you feel guilty when you say no, try this exercise:

Take a piece of paper and complete the following sentences:

If I say ‘no’ it means that I’m a [………………..] person

If I say ‘no’ the other person will think that I’m […………..]

What do you notice about what you’ve written down?  What might be more positive messages to give yourself about saying no? 

Sometimes our problem is that we care too much about what other people think of us.  It’s normal and healthy to have some regard for others’ views, but those of us who have difficulty saying no often place too much emphasis on being liked by others -  and in doing so we give the other person an inappropriate degree of power.

3.         Talk to someone else

If you’re wrestling with whether you can refuse a particular request, try talking to a friend (ideally one who is good at saying no) and asking for their views on the situation.  Sometimes an outsider sees things much more clearly and objectively.  Sometimes we just need another person to give us permission.

One of my clients visited her GP as she was feeling run-down.  Her GP spent 10 minutes listening to her and gave the following advice: "You need to start saying No".  According to my client, it was the ‘prescription’ from an authority figure (her GP) that gave her permission to start saying no more often.

Once you’ve made up your mind that you want to say no, here’s how to do it:

4.         Offer something else (if you’re happy to do so)
Try saying:

‘I can’t do that now, but I could fit it in next week’.

‘I can’t do 'x', but I’m happy to look at 'y' for you if that would be helpful’.

5.         Empathise

Fake or token empathy is provocative.  It’s the kind of thing you get from demotivated customer-services staff who are using a technique on you - "I’m sorry to hear that, sir…." (said in a slightly sing-song tone).

Genuine empathy often requires us to use our imagination to see the situation from the other person’s perspective.  You might say something like:

‘I can see that you do really need some support with this project, but unfortunately I can’t help you with it’.

6.         Play the Broken Record

As the name suggests, the Broken Record technique involves repeating your message simply and clearly.  Two tips on using the Broken Record:

• It works particularly well when dealing with articulate, quick-thinking or manipulative people who always seem to have a good reason why you should do something for them.  Using this technique relieves you of the pressure to come up with reasons or counter-arguments - you simply stick to your guns.
• Combine it with genuine empathy.

Here's an example:

Mike: Jane, could you possibly finish this off for me, I need to leave early today?

Jane: Sorry, Mike, I’d like to be able to help, but I want to leave the office at 5 o’clock.

Mike: Oh, it wouldn’t take you a moment Jane, I’m sure you could squeeze it in before you leave.

Jane: Mike, I wish I could be more helpful on this one, and I appreciate that you need to get away early but I want to leave at 5 so I’m not going to be able to help you today.

Mike: But you’re such a fast worker - you’re the one person I can normally rely on around here.

Jane: That’s very kind of you to say so, and normally I’d be very happy to help you out, but I definitely want to leave at 5 today so I’m not going to be able to help you with this one.

7.         You can ask for time to think

Sometimes, particularly when people catch us off guard, we say yes then later wish we hadn’t.  It’s fine to say, in response to a request, ‘Can I have a think about that and get back to you?’

8.         You can change your mind

Don’t view your initial ‘yes’ (which you now regret) as a binding contract.  It’s OK to go back to someone after you’ve reflected and say something like:

‘Yesterday I said I’d be happy to give you extra help with the project.  I’ve had a think about it, and I’ve realised that I was too hasty in agreeing to help. I’m afraid that I’m not going to be able to help you after all - I’d be overloaded - and I’m sorry I initially gave you a misleading impression’.

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